tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central March 13, 2014 7:00pm-7:31pm PDT
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central thank you so much. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming. with that kind of chanting, i feel, i feel no wall can
stand before the colbert nation. i am joshua and they are my trumpets. (cheers and applause) folks, i like to have fun. i'm a fungi. just ask my staff, jimmy m i fun. >> yes, sir, you're very fun. >> stephen: damn straight. but even a fungi like me knows there's a time and a place for fun. and one of those places is not with your finger on the button. national hockey league,s whoee there. nobody. we were all killed in a nuclear war while you were too busy yuking it up with your hollywood buddies. here's the deal. been watching the tv, you know it but here it, no one has signed up for obamacare give or take 4.2 million people. our president has gotten so desperate that he appeared on this web site funny or die. by the way-- by the way-- funny or die is also the ultimate up you get from obama's
death panel. now this show he went on between two shall it went viral which is all part of obama's sinister plan, spread a virus and watch everyone scramble for signing up for health care. stokes, folks, minot the only one. i am not the only one who was angry. i am just the best at it. this appearance set off a firestorm everywhere from fox news to later in the day on financial news. (laughter) >> how cool was this president o obama sitting down for an on-line interview. >> some argue it is inappropriate. >> i think it's pretty tragic. whoever recommended that he do that show should be fired. >> this is way beneath the office of the presidency. >> president obama hitting the comedy circuit is he getting the last laugh or making a mockery of the office. zack is really funny, the problem is he won. he won that interview. president obama, that was not a win for him. >> stephen: no.
no. no. he is-- he is right. that is what every show is about. who wins and who loses. and she ought to know. she wins the five every day. the loser, information. (laughter) folks, by going on that web show, folks by going on that web show barack obama undermined the authority of the presidency. and that is fox new's job. (laughter) just ask the underminor in chief bill o reilly. >> for a president under intense scrutiny to do a comedy show raises some questions. >> looks like putin believes the president is a lightweight, with a comedy video, count tear that. just ask him. >> all i can tell you is abe lincoln would not have done it it (laughter) >> stephen: true. it's true. you can't fight that logic. abe lincoln would never have
done a viral web video. the most-- the most that president lincoln ever did was sit for a da guer type mim. but nation-- the worst part, the very worst part about this disaster is that it worked. it's gotten over 13 million views and what with everybody talking about it, it's boosted traffic to health care.gov by 40%. well, that's-- that stops here and now. they're not tricking me into talking about health care.gov and the president's affordable care act. jimmy put the web site on the screen so i know what i am not talking about, okay. you see that right there health care.gov. that is the last time that i ever say healthcare.gov. jimmy, jimmy y do i keep saying healthcare.gov. cut my mike, jimmy, jimmy, cut my-- (laughter)
(cheers and applause) back on, thank you very much, jimmy. all right. no free ride, healthcare.gov. [bleep] (laughter) now folks, if you watch my show you know the cold warner ended. if it did, then who nuked detroit? and ever since-- i know it's sad, it's sad. ever since the fall of crimea we have been a cold war of words. >> russia has unleashed its propaganda machine. >> its propaganda war continues. >> this is a propagana standoff. >> stephen: and no one is better at propaganda than russia. and a famous man once said a lie told often enough becomes the truth that is a great quote. and i'm the one who said it. yes, that was me. i said that. now it is mine. (cheers and applause)
and vladimir putin, president of russia has tightened his grip on the crimean media because all ukrainian tv channels have been blocked in crimea so crimeans now have no access to their favorite ukrainian shows like so you think you can perogue and the real mail order lives of odessa. and the russians have been secretly fighting this propaganda war since 2005, with a secret network of a cable network. vladimir putin's government may be puffing propagana into the homes of millions of americans who have no idea they're watching putin tv. i'm talking about russia today, orr t it is a cable channel that is available in a lot of homes. rt claims it issues 85 million people here in the united states. >> stephen: you heard cnn, 85 million people. that is like taking cnn's audience and multiplying it by 85 million. (laughter) now folks, i don't know about you, but i am stunned.
who knew rt was kremlin-funded propaganda. i watch it all the time and i thought it was just another cable news chan well the latest updates on the strength of the russian people under their visionary leader vladimir putin. long live putin, long live mother russia. i blacked out there for a moment. (laughter) where was i? oh yeah. using media to brainwash foreigners is america's thing. like radio-free europe, voice of america radio, and american pie movies. (laughter) a people of the world come to america and bang our pastries. now folks, today russia today is feeling their toxic anti-american news borsche into our homes. >> the media reports it is decades of terror attacks against their own population are in fact organized by the cia and the white house. >> al qaeda was created by the cia. they use al qaeda to attack
the u.s. so they can take our liberties. >> you're saying that the cia tested out drugs on foreigners. >> the cia funded an sperm there involving aerosol lsd. >> the united states went down to anything roggia-- nicaragua and round up a bunch of street people and infected them with syphilis. >> stephen: that is a lie. infecting nicaraguans with syphilis was to the a government program it was motley crew's world tour. folks, i mr. so proud. it is stuff like this that makes me so proud when one rt anchor liz wall stood up to putin a smear machine. >> i cannot be part of a network funded by the russian government. that white washes the actions of putin. i am proud to be an american. and believe in disseminating the truth. and that is why after this newscast, i am resigning. >> that was a brave move by
anchor liz walsh. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: she will be missed. oh, she's still alive. and she's sitting right next to me? please welcome former rt anchor liz wall. thanks so much for being here. (cheers and applause) okay. liz? okay, explain russia today to me. who is making the decisions on a daily basis about what goes on the air at rt? >> russia today is an english language news channel funded by the russian government. >> stephen: so the money comes from the kremlin. >> from the kremlin. >> stephen: how much? >> i am not sure about that. i can't verify that. unclear, i can't verify. >> stephen: we researched it. >> really. interesting. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. okay, so but who is actually making, are you getting like
a marching orders from people at the kremlin. do they have people there in your station in washington, d.c. saying do say this, do not say that. >> well, i don't directly, i can tell you what i don't, when i worked there i didn't speak to vladimir putin on a daily basis. he didn't tell me exactly what to say. but there is a kind of, it's interesting. a kind of self-censorship, you kind of know what management wants to hear what they don't want to hear. >> stephen: but you hear that everywhere any one works. >> right, right. but the difference here is that we have a conflict going on in ukraine and as we know, putin is trying to keep the media out of there, keep out international eveners. >> stephen: the united states does not have a conflict in the ukraine. russia does. dow work for russia or do you work for the united states? >> it is interesting. >> stephen: is this an episode of the americans right now. because you're sexy and i'm sexy and i would watch you. >> well, thank you, thank you. (cheers and applause)
>> stephen: okay. what is it like off camera? who is actually talking to you that we can't see, is it mostly men wearing cameo pants and no shirts? saying like is good, is good, yes, liz, is good. >> what are your coworkers like. >> they are american. >> stephen: so where are these russians that are putting the pressure on you. >> a medley of people. >> stephen: a russian like peas an carrots but it's -- >> the news director there is russian and i think he ultimately answers to the kremlin. and there's kind of middle management that kind of keeps the reporters in line which apparently didn't work for me. >> stephen: now that you've resigned, are you officially a member of pussy riot? (cheers and applause) >> not yet. >> stephen: not yet. well, liz, thank you so much for joining me. liz wall. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: unemployed. we'll be right back
how do you do it? you go godzilla! seriously! uhh there he goes! woo! ya! [ roars ] [ all ] awww! what? godzilla's actually pretty cool. except when he's hungry. ♪ [ roars ] [ people screaming ] quick, throw him a snickers®! ♪ mmm! ♪ woo, yeah! [ male announcer ] you're not you when you're hungry®, snickers® satisfies. see the new godzilla in theatres may 16th. matt kenseth, what are you doing here? well, i do know a little about toyotas being #1. [ wife ] we're here to buy a camry. good timing. great choice. it took me to victory lane seven times last year. can i get you to sign something? sure. oh. can you write "you 'da man?" [ male announcer ] during toyota's #1 for everyone sales event, get 0% apr financing
for 60 months on a 2014 camry. offer ends march 31st. for more great deals, visit toyota.com. yeah!! yeah!! [ male announcer ] toyota. let's go places. this much irony yeah!! yeah!! into one moment... then we can pack full 7up flavor into only ten calories. that's the power of ten. 7up ten. also in these brands. the big bang of light beers. the one that started it all. 96 of the hardest working calories in the business. and for a limited time, miller lite is back in the original light can. ♪ i don't know... i forget. hello, neighbors.
hey, scott... perfect timing. feeding your lawn need not be so difficult. get a load of this bad boy. sweet! this snap spreader system from scotts makes caring for your lawn snap-crackin' simple, guaranteed. just take the handy, no-mess bag, then snap, lock, and go. it's a new day for lawn care, feedings never been so easy. to see a demo of the snap spreader, go to scotts.com. feed your lawn. feed it! ♪ ♪ ♪
but real meat will bring them into yours. sheba® pates start with real meat as the first ingredient. sheba®. pure cat appeal™. and a hotel is the perfect place to talk to you about hotels. all-you-can-eat is a hotel policy that allows you to eat all that you can. the hotel gym is short for gymnasium. the hotel pool is usually filled with water. and the best dot com for booking hotels, is hotels.com. it's on the internet, but you probably knew that. or maybe not, i don't really know you. bellman: welcome back, captain obvious. captain obvious: yes i am. all those words are spelled correctly. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. nation nation, it's no secret that i am a huge fan of the nsa and i support
their unlimited budget and zero supervision. base you know what they say, absolute power succeeds absolutely. and i'm sick and tired of the people stressing out about the nsa specifically, people who work at the nsa thankfully they have a cutting edge system to deal with employee stress. >> who knew america's spies had their own dear abbey. according to the hill newspaper, nsa employees send their personal and workplace questions to ask zelda, a popular column and a bulletin on the eak's internet. >> stephen: the nsa has its own dear abbey and she gets a lot of letters, some of which were sent to her. now zelda's first column was about proper office attire in the summer. she writes not only is beach attire unprofessional in the workplace, but in certain cases it can be down right distracting to coworkers if you get my drift. i do, zelda. if your coworker can't keep
his eyes off your bare legs how is he supposed to keep his eyes on the person he is watching undress through their laptop camera? perhaps my favorite zelda letter comes from an agent who wrote in to plain that when the boss sees coworkers having a quiet conversation, he wants to knows what's being said. he has his designated snitches and expects them to keep him apprised. now we're more suspicious of each other and team work is becoming harder. this snitch program is just another example of the nsa's famous total information awareness and total irony unawareness. (laughter) and zelda has got the answer for these concerns too. if you are bothered by snitches, the best solution is to keep your behaviour above reproach. exactly. remember, nsa employees, surveillance is designed to root out treason. so it shouldn't brother you if you are not hiding anything. and since nothing can be hidden from the nsa, nothing
is bothering you. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) woooah, what do you got there? berry pomegranate mio. do i just squirt a little? or you can squirt a lot. ...really changes your water. it changes everything. [ male announcer ] mio. squirt some. ♪ it changes everything. fold up your old map verizon t-mobile's network now reaches 96% of americans.
all right. how have you been, third time back, good to see you. >> i'm so happy to be back. >> stephen: what are you doing, working over at rt? they got an opening. >> they have an opening. i need an anchor job. >> stephen: you are a peabody and emmy award-winning journalist, six-time "new york times" best selling author, former first lady of california, nbc special anchor. you have a new documentary, are you impressed with yourself. >> i am, wow, when you say it like that, wow. >> stephen: a new document called paycheck to paycheck, the life and times of katrina gilbert that premiers on hbo, 9:00 p.m. on monday. >> st. patrick's day. so the luck of the irish is going to carry us. >> stephen: all right, now is this that show with woody harrelson and mcconneghey. >> yeah. i'm looking it for an oscar like mcconneghey. >> stephen: who is katrina gilbert and why are we talking about her? >> well, we're talking about her because she is like 42 million women in this country who are raising kids, 28 million kids and they are
turning in and out of pover in the this country. we did a whole shriver report on them they are working hard trying to get them selves off the brink of poverty. get their kids off of it and this her story and a story being represented all across the country. >> stephen: we'll get to the shriver report in just a second. i have a bone to pick with you about that. but the important thing, you gave-- david -- >> i don't think you read it, did you read it. >> stephen: no. >> you didn't read it. >> oh, oh, oh. >> stephen: no, why should i-- this is a poor person. >> there is a working woman. >> stephen: you said poor. >> , on the brink. >> stephen: on the brink. >> and you should care. >> stephen: why should i care? >> oh, good-- . >> stephen: don't get my wrong. i mean i'm a really good guy. >> i know. >> stephen: i'm a good guy but why should i try to understand somebody else's experience. i barely understand my own experience. >> well, maybe it will be easier to understand her experience if you watch this film because will you see how hard she's working. you'll see what she is trying to do for her children. you'll see that she is
caring for people who have alzheimer's. >> stephen: this is left wing propaganda trying to raise the minimum wage. >> no it's not. >> stephen: this is all it is, all raise the minimum wage, steven has to pay 7 cents more for the curley fries. >> that is the deep story here. >> no, the deep story here is that millions and millions of women are occupying minimum wage jobs. >> stephen: what about men, why do you divide to women. >> i love men, i want to do a report on mechblt i want to know what is going on with men. >> stephen: i think men don't do-- men don't go out there and say i'm all poor. we don't do that, okay. you take those emotions and we stuff them down. >> yeah. >> stephen: until our heart bursts at 53, okay. >> how do you think she got pregnant. >> stephen: from a man? >> yeah wow. >> stephen: that can happen from anybody, you know. a bunch of lesbian with a turkey baster that is your plan. >> oh, oh, oh. >> stephen: see this is violence.
>> that's right. i love-- . >> stephen: poor people. >> i i love that you know what a turkey baster is. >> stephen: i know what a turkey bass zferment i cooked a turkey before. i use it for turkeys. here is what i don't get, you know that poor people-- i'm sure she is a lovely lady. >> that is not katrina. >> stephen: okay this is like the shriver report. >> but katrina is in the inside. >> stephen: that's fine. >> katrina is on hbo. >> stephen: i'm to the going to read the whole damn book to the people right now. >> why. >> stephen: poor people don't work hard enough. that's why i am rich and they are poor. i work harder. >> oh, are you so wrong. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: okay. so we have a free market system. if you work hard, you get ahead. what is wrong with that. shoot a hole in western culture. >> i'm talking about the 42 million women who are living on the brink, working really hard, 7, 8 days, taking care of people's parents. trying to educate their kids,
trying to fulfill the american dream just like you. this is-- . >> stephen: jesus christ, there will be poor always. are you familiar with the man. >> yes. >> stephen: . >> i thought about becoming a nun. >> stephen: how did that work out. >> don't tell me you never thought about becoming a priest. >> stephen: no i thought about it i was an alter boy for 11 years, i thought about it. >> how did that go. >> stephen: i love the ladies. all right. now listen, but what can an average guy like me what can i do, what can these people out here, because these people can change the world, not me. >> that's right. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: what can we do for people like katrina. >> first of all we can tell our daughters to think of themselves as providers. we can tell our daughters to stay in school as long as possible and to delay having children until you have an education. because it is a direct corelation between your education and the amount of money that you can make so that is really important. >> stephen: here is the bone
i have to pick with you. this is called the shriver report. >> yes, that's my name. >> stephen: you started this in 2009. >> not this one. >> stephen: no, but you started the shriver reports in 2009. >> right. >> stephen: and where did you get the idea to have your name and the word report after it, was it perhaps when you came on my show in 2008. >> yes. >> stephen: i will see you in court. maria, thank you so much for joining me. maria shriver, the shriverer report, paycheck to paycheck, on hbo monday nights. we'll be right back.
vo: once upon a time there was a boy who traveled to a faraway place where villages floated on water and castles were houses dragons lurked giants stood tall and the good queen showed the boy it could all be real avo: whatever you can imagine, all in one place expedia, find yours [ indistinct conversations ] ♪ ♪ moon river
♪ wider than a mile ♪ i'm crossing you in style someday ♪ ♪ ♪ two drifters... ♪ ♪ ♪ are you up for whatever happens next? i think i can do that. ♪ ♪ ian, ian how you doing tonight...dah dah. ♪ this is a bizarre night. see ian's full night at upforwhatever.com it's an eggs benedict sandwich. but how did you get the eggs benedict into the sandwich? i went to dunkin'.
>> fro. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight a young man named jason bateman. assist i comedian turned first time film director. he is quite tal entered. remember -- talented. but first remember in 2005 we found out the c.i.a. was authorized to use interrogation techniques on prisoners that could be descr